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» Book #218, Ciaran's Extensive Notes
Posted: Apr 11 2018, 12:37 AM
Merel is Offline
26 years old
Posted: Apr 11 2018, 01:35 AM
Merel is Offline
26 years old
Monday 7th June 2021 (C: 9.53pm)-I had another nightmare.
-It is 2.37am
-This is the dream:
-I am leaning over a faceless person
-I have my wand in hand
-Wand is pointed right at them, poised for spellcasting
-I am ready to kill them
-In my mind, they had hurt Amon
-Before I can kill them two people grabbed me
-They were the researchers
-I can hear ma’s sweet, poisonous words
-“Ciaran, come here, sweetheart. Leave them alone. You’re needed over here.”
-I am being dragged into the brain room.
-I can see Amon already in the tank
-My heart hammers in my chest
-In the corner of the room, I can see corpses, bones- just so much death
-That’s what this is, a fucking murder den
-I yell at ma
-“What have you done to them? What the fuck is this?”
-I am scared, I am angry
-Ma replies, “Done to whom, darling?”
-“The bodies? Those dead people!”
-Ma laughs sadly at me, shaking her head
-“There are no bodies here,” she says
-I am put into the tank with Amon
-I can see Ma taking notes
-What is she making notes about?
-Is Amon alive?
-He isn’t moving
-I start to shake him
-I scream his name
-I’m scared he’s dead
-He opens his eyes
-But no sound comes out
-What have they done to him?
-That’s when I wake up
-Today is the first day back at work
-That has to be why I had a nightmare
-My mind is telling me no
-But everything else is screaming yes
-I need to go back to work
-I’m only going in for the afternoon
-Amon thought it best to try the afternoon first
-I have to slowly return
-At least for today
-Already, I’m scared and tired.
-I have no idea what to expect.
-*Conclusion: I will see what happens.
-Breakfast was bananas on toast with yoghurt with tea.
-The tea was to help calm me down a little.
-The morning was spent going over old notes with a focus on work.
-Time passed too quickly.
-The alarm went off to alert me it was time to leave.
-I had to meet Amon for lunch at the Ministry.
-As I walked I felt the fear creep in with every step.
-I meet with Amon
-We sit down at a table
-Immediately my only focus is on our table.
-Nothing else matters.
-Amon and I talked
-I couldn’t eat lunch (salad)
-Fear had taken away my appetite
-I asked Amon if I had previously asked him if I was scared to go to work.
-The answer was yes.
-The answer terrifies me.
-I can’t stop.
-I love my work.
-I need it.
-Amon also couldn’t eat.
-Amon suggested that we ask ma to stop the experiment.
-I was conflicted.
-*Thought: I shouldn’t feel conflicted, should I?
-I couldn’t say anything.
-Amon understood. Said it was okay.
-I’m glad to have a brother like him.
-To change the subject he pulled out his parchment.
-He asked if I had mine.
-Of course, I had mine.
-It always practically attached to the tin.
-I told him that I didn’t know what I would do without him.
-He told me I would never be without him.
-But will I?
-He loves me. I love him.
-That should be enough but I don’t know if it is.
-I told him the truth of what I thought- that someday one of us has to die first.
-The conversation was split.
-Amon insisted that he would always be with me no matter what.
-I believe that in some way- he will always be a part of me. But… If he’s dead I’ll never be able to feel as I do when I’m with him.
-Amon next asked me not to leave him out there alone.
-The question broke my heart.
-I got a shiver down my spine.
-Just 7 simple words, articulated in the worst possible way.
-Amon needs me just as much as I need him.
-How can I support him if I can’t support myself?
-My answer: I told him I would try.
-I can’t ever promise anything.
-Not even to Amon.
-*I had a terrible thought: What if I didn’t make it out of the Department of Mysteries alive?
-It’s possible that one day I won’t make it home.
-I hate it.
-I FUCKING HATE IT.
-It scares me.
-It’s interesting to note, Amon told me I have more control than I think.
-I know he believes it’s the truth.
-I’m so out of control.
-Far beyond change.
-The only control I have is remembering my name, these notes, picking out my clothes, and some of my ‘spare time activities’.
-There is no other control.
-I didn’t say anything.
-I didn’t want to tell Amon how out of control I felt.
-We moved on.
-Amon stood up.
-It indicated to me that it was time for work.
-Immediately the fear washed over me.
-My hands trembled.
-Amon told me I would be okay.
-Can he truly know that?
-He can believe it, but he can’t know.
-Amon walked me.
-It was comforting.
-I asked him to distract me.
-By telling me he had found someone but it had ended.
-I concluded that he had not told me this while I was… out of commission.
-That is okay.
-I’m sad that it didn’t work.
-I told him that. How sorry I was.
-He told me he didn’t think he could be surprised.
-Amon deserves so much more than the shit he got.
-I do hope that one day it would turn around for him.
-He deserves so much love.
-I think… He also has to allow himself that.
-He has to allow himself to think he deserves it.
-From the way he talks about it, I don’t think he does believe it.
-Amon joked that I was the good twin.
-I don’t believe him.
-I don’t see us that way.
-I told him that he was good in a different way.
-That people who didn’t see that were ‘fucking stupid’.
-I asked him if he wanted me to scare some sense into the man.
-I think I was joking?
-I can’t be entirely certain.
-Truth of the matter? I would. I would do anything for him.
-The one positive (and ultimately horrifying) truth is that I wouldn’t remember the things I would do to people, anyway.
-It wouldn’t make a difference to me.
-Amon indulged the joke, of course.
-Before killing it by saying the man could tell them apart.
-It was a somber confession.
-The look that accompanied it told me everything that he wasn’t saying.
-It told me: I liked him. I thought it would be different this time.
-I could only place a hand on his shoulder.
-And give him a look back that said, ‘I know. I’m sorry. You’ll be okay.’
-By that point we had made it to the lift.
-As soon as I stepped into the lift my heart plummeted.
-I felt a little sick.
-I told myself everything would be fine.
-I grabbed Amon’s arm tightly.
-He told me he’d bumped into John Clearwater and called him a cunt to his face.
-The name brought up vague memories.
-I could feel a strong hatred in me.
-That was all I needed to know.
-I grinned at him and told him, ‘good’.
-Things get a bit blurry here.
-The fear made it hard to concentrate on what was happening.
-Amon got me to work.
-I didn’t let go of his arm until we stopped walking.
-We stood in front of the doors to the brain chamber.
-I almost begged him not to leave me alone.
-I stayed quiet.
-I hugged him.
-I walked through the doors without looking back, without a goodbye.
-I feel strangely at home.
-The fear went away while I worked.
-I was briefed on the changes that had occurred while I was away.
-Nothing major to discuss.
-I did a lot of reading and making notes.
-I had to restablish myself with the project.
-I was welcomed back with open arms.
-They seemed to have missed me.
-They’re eager for me to get back into the practical work.
-I told them to wait a little bit longer.
-They said it was okay.
-Now it is time to go home.
-The place is giving me the creeps again.
-However, I feel revitalised.
-I had missed this.
-It almost feels like an addiction….
-No. It’s work.
-When I left, I bumped into ma.
-She told me she was happy to see me again.
-I didn’t say anything.
-The smell of roses was too much.
-I almost gagged.
-I clenched my jaw.
-She grabbed my arm, right at the spot where I had grabbed onto Amon’s.
-I flinched and roughly grabbed her wrist, pulling her hand away from my arm, as if I had been burned by her touch.
-I didn’t look at her.
-I started walking.
-Her shouts stopped me.
-‘Look at me when you talk to me, Ciaran. You’re almost as bad as Amon!’
-I stopped and looked her right in the eyes, glaring at her. ‘Don’t. Do you ever wonder why he doesn’t look people in the eye?’
-Anger pushed me forward and I stood right in front of her, towering over her.
-I couldn’t believe I was doing this.
-I was losing control.
-She crossed her arms over her chest and glared back.
-*Note: Crossed arms usually indicate a defensive position.
-*Second note: I didn’t have my arms crossed.
-“That’s just who he is. We didn’t teach him otherwise.”
-“You broke him. You broke us. He can’t look at people because he’s afraid!”
-“You don’t seem to have a problem.” She shrugged off the truth.
-It made me even more angry.
-“I have my own problems. Now I’m going home. You’re lucky I didn’t do worse.”
-My voice was low, quiet, dangerous.
-Ma laughed. “You’re too much of a sweetheart to do anything to me. You’re a good boy.”
-She tried to touch my cheek.
-I turned and ran.
-I ran until I got home.
-When I got back I briefly questioned myself: was I supposed to meet Amon here or at the Ministry.
-I pulled out my parchment and told him I was home.
-I didn’t need him to worry.
-My arms itched.
-My left arm started to scratch at the right.
-Not enough to draw blood.
-The red against my skin looks so angry, just as I had felt.
-I’m sitting on the couch right now waiting for Amon to come home.
-Dinner was meatballs and spaghetti with a glass of water on the side.
-I wasn’t able to tell Amon if my day at work was good.
-I painted the nightmare in colours of black, white, and sky blue (that was compromised by the black)
-I don’t remember the nightmare but reading about it gave me the colours.
-I made a note to destroy it tomorrow.
-I did some reading; I read 35 pages.
-Made some notes on what I had read for the next time I read it.
-I enjoy it the book.
-*I just briefly looked back on those notes from earlier… I forgot about my interaction with Ma. Good. I didn’t want to explain to Amon anyway.
-I am so tired.
-*Days since the last Nightmare: 0
(OOC:Note: * indicates highlighted section in green)
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