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» Book #218, Ciaran's Extensive Notes
Posted: Apr 11 2018, 12:37 AM
Ciaran's notes in notebook 218, written in blue pen
<h3>DATE (C: TIME)</h3>
<br>-[color=#17c511]Days since the last Nightmare: ? [/color]
Posted: Apr 11 2018, 01:35 AM
Monday 7th June 2021 (C: 9.53pm)-I had another nightmare.
-It is 2.37am
-This is the dream:
-I am leaning over a faceless person
-I have my wand in hand
-Wand is pointed right at them, poised for spellcasting
-I am ready to kill them
-In my mind, they had hurt Amon
-Before I can kill them two people grabbed me
-They were the researchers
-I can hear ma’s sweet, poisonous words
-“Ciaran, come here, sweetheart. Leave them alone. You’re needed over here.”
-I am being dragged into the brain room.
-I can see Amon already in the tank
-My heart hammers in my chest
-In the corner of the room, I can see corpses, bones- just so much death
-That’s what this is, a fucking murder den
-I yell at ma
-“What have you done to them? What the fuck is this?”
-I am scared, I am angry
-Ma replies, “Done to whom, darling?”
-“The bodies? Those dead people!”
-Ma laughs sadly at me, shaking her head
-“There are no bodies here,” she says
-I am put into the tank with Amon
-I can see Ma taking notes
-What is she making notes about?
-Is Amon alive?
-He isn’t moving
-I start to shake him
-I scream his name
-I’m scared he’s dead
-He opens his eyes
-But no sound comes out
-What have they done to him?
-That’s when I wake up
-Today is the first day back at work
-That has to be why I had a nightmare
-My mind is telling me no
-But everything else is screaming yes
-I need to go back to work
-I’m only going in for the afternoon
-Amon thought it best to try the afternoon first
-I have to slowly return
-At least for today
-Already, I’m scared and tired.
-I have no idea what to expect.
-*Conclusion: I will see what happens.
-Breakfast was bananas on toast with yoghurt with tea.
-The tea was to help calm me down a little.
-The morning was spent going over old notes with a focus on work.
-Time passed too quickly.
-The alarm went off to alert me it was time to leave.
-I had to meet Amon for lunch at the Ministry.
-As I walked I felt the fear creep in with every step.
-I meet with Amon
-We sit down at a table
-Immediately my only focus is on our table.
-Nothing else matters.
-Amon and I talked
-I couldn’t eat lunch (salad)
-Fear had taken away my appetite
-I asked Amon if I had previously asked him if I was scared to go to work.
-The answer was yes.
-The answer terrifies me.
-I can’t stop.
-I love my work.
-I need it.
-Amon also couldn’t eat.
-Amon suggested that we ask ma to stop the experiment.
-I was conflicted.
-*Thought: I shouldn’t feel conflicted, should I?
-I couldn’t say anything.
-Amon understood. Said it was okay.
-I’m glad to have a brother like him.
-To change the subject he pulled out his parchment.
-He asked if I had mine.
-Of course, I had mine.
-It always practically attached to the tin.
-I told him that I didn’t know what I would do without him.
-He told me I would never be without him.
-But will I?
-He loves me. I love him.
-That should be enough but I don’t know if it is.
-I told him the truth of what I thought- that someday one of us has to die first.
-The conversation was split.
-Amon insisted that he would always be with me no matter what.
-I believe that in some way- he will always be a part of me. But… If he’s dead I’ll never be able to feel as I do when I’m with him.
-Amon next asked me not to leave him out there alone.
-The question broke my heart.
-I got a shiver down my spine.
-Just 7 simple words, articulated in the worst possible way.
-Amon needs me just as much as I need him.
-How can I support him if I can’t support myself?
-My answer: I told him I would try.
-I can’t ever promise anything.
-Not even to Amon.
-*I had a terrible thought: What if I didn’t make it out of the Department of Mysteries alive?
-It’s possible that one day I won’t make it home.
-I hate it.
-I FUCKING HATE IT.
-It scares me.
-It’s interesting to note, Amon told me I have more control than I think.
-I know he believes it’s the truth.
-I’m so out of control.
-Far beyond change.
-The only control I have is remembering my name, these notes, picking out my clothes, and some of my ‘spare time activities’.
-There is no other control.
-I didn’t say anything.
-I didn’t want to tell Amon how out of control I felt.
-We moved on.
-Amon stood up.
-It indicated to me that it was time for work.
-Immediately the fear washed over me.
-My hands trembled.
-Amon told me I would be okay.
-Can he truly know that?
-He can believe it, but he can’t know.
-Amon walked me.
-It was comforting.
-I asked him to distract me.
-By telling me he had found someone but it had ended.
-I concluded that he had not told me this while I was… out of commission.
-That is okay.
-I’m sad that it didn’t work.
-I told him that. How sorry I was.
-He told me he didn’t think he could be surprised.
-Amon deserves so much more than the shit he got.
-I do hope that one day it would turn around for him.
-He deserves so much love.
-I think… He also has to allow himself that.
-He has to allow himself to think he deserves it.
-From the way he talks about it, I don’t think he does believe it.
-Amon joked that I was the good twin.
-I don’t believe him.
-I don’t see us that way.
-I told him that he was good in a different way.
-That people who didn’t see that were ‘fucking stupid’.
-I asked him if he wanted me to scare some sense into the man.
-I think I was joking?
-I can’t be entirely certain.
-Truth of the matter? I would. I would do anything for him.
-The one positive (and ultimately horrifying) truth is that I wouldn’t remember the things I would do to people, anyway.
-It wouldn’t make a difference to me.
-Amon indulged the joke, of course.
-Before killing it by saying the man could tell them apart.
-It was a somber confession.
-The look that accompanied it told me everything that he wasn’t saying.
-It told me: I liked him. I thought it would be different this time.
-I could only place a hand on his shoulder.
-And give him a look back that said, ‘I know. I’m sorry. You’ll be okay.’
-By that point we had made it to the lift.
-As soon as I stepped into the lift my heart plummeted.
-I felt a little sick.
-I told myself everything would be fine.
-I grabbed Amon’s arm tightly.
-He told me he’d bumped into John Clearwater and called him a cunt to his face.
-The name brought up vague memories.
-I could feel a strong hatred in me.
-That was all I needed to know.
-I grinned at him and told him, ‘good’.
-Things get a bit blurry here.
-The fear made it hard to concentrate on what was happening.
-Amon got me to work.
-I didn’t let go of his arm until we stopped walking.
-We stood in front of the doors to the brain chamber.
-I almost begged him not to leave me alone.
-I stayed quiet.
-I hugged him.
-I walked through the doors without looking back, without a goodbye.
-I feel strangely at home.
-The fear went away while I worked.
-I was briefed on the changes that had occurred while I was away.
-Nothing major to discuss.
-I did a lot of reading and making notes.
-I had to restablish myself with the project.
-I was welcomed back with open arms.
-They seemed to have missed me.
-They’re eager for me to get back into the practical work.
-I told them to wait a little bit longer.
-They said it was okay.
-Now it is time to go home.
-The place is giving me the creeps again.
-However, I feel revitalised.
-I had missed this.
-It almost feels like an addiction….
-No. It’s work.
-When I left, I bumped into ma.
-She told me she was happy to see me again.
-I didn’t say anything.
-The smell of roses was too much.
-I almost gagged.
-I clenched my jaw.
-She grabbed my arm, right at the spot where I had grabbed onto Amon’s.
-I flinched and roughly grabbed her wrist, pulling her hand away from my arm, as if I had been burned by her touch.
-I didn’t look at her.
-I started walking.
-Her shouts stopped me.
-‘Look at me when you talk to me, Ciaran. You’re almost as bad as Amon!’
-I stopped and looked her right in the eyes, glaring at her. ‘Don’t. Do you ever wonder why he doesn’t look people in the eye?’
-Anger pushed me forward and I stood right in front of her, towering over her.
-I couldn’t believe I was doing this.
-I was losing control.
-She crossed her arms over her chest and glared back.
-*Note: Crossed arms usually indicate a defensive position.
-*Second note: I didn’t have my arms crossed.
-“That’s just who he is. We didn’t teach him otherwise.”
-“You broke him. You broke us. He can’t look at people because he’s afraid!”
-“You don’t seem to have a problem.” She shrugged off the truth.
-It made me even more angry.
-“I have my own problems. Now I’m going home. You’re lucky I didn’t do worse.”
-My voice was low, quiet, dangerous.
-Ma laughed. “You’re too much of a sweetheart to do anything to me. You’re a good boy.”
-She tried to touch my cheek.
-I turned and ran.
-I ran until I got home.
-When I got back I briefly questioned myself: was I supposed to meet Amon here or at the Ministry.
-I pulled out my parchment and told him I was home.
-I didn’t need him to worry.
-My arms itched.
-My left arm started to scratch at the right.
-Not enough to draw blood.
-The red against my skin looks so angry, just as I had felt.
-I’m sitting on the couch right now waiting for Amon to come home.
-Dinner was meatballs and spaghetti with a glass of water on the side.
-I wasn’t able to tell Amon if my day at work was good.
-I painted the nightmare in colours of black, white, and sky blue (that was compromised by the black)
-I don’t remember the nightmare but reading about it gave me the colours.
-I made a note to destroy it tomorrow.
-I did some reading; I read 35 pages.
-Made some notes on what I had read for the next time I read it.
-I enjoy it the book.
-*I just briefly looked back on those notes from earlier… I forgot about my interaction with Ma. Good. I didn’t want to explain to Amon anyway.
-I am so tired.
-*Days since the last Nightmare: 0
(OOC:Note: * indicates highlighted section in green)
Posted: May 6 2018, 02:04 AM
Sunday 6th June 2021 (C: 9.34pm)-Breakfast as bananas on toast with some yoghurt on the side and a cup of orange juice
-I dressed in my grey slacks, burgundy socks, the white shirt with light blue horizontal stripes, and the grey jacket with that one green pocket.
-I told Amon my plan for today: to go to Diagon Alley with a detour first to take the route to work; by myself.
-Amon wasn’t happy.
-I convinced him that I needed to do this on my own.
-I got a little snappy, told him that I deserved to do it myself, that I shouldn’t need a babysitter.
-He eventually agreed.
-I reminded him I had the parchment that I could contact him with.
-I left the apartment feeling nervous, happy, and relieved.
-I said goodbye to Amon and waved at him.
-I made the walk to work today.
-It was easier than I thought it would be.
-I was prepared to forget.
-No. I didn’t forget.
-Thought: The Ministry has a special hold on me that it knows exactly what for information to provide me with
-The Ministry’s influence on me is smart.
-Or… That the neural pathways that remind me where to go aren’t damaged. The neural pathways are strong
-Though, the memory of how to walk somewhere is not as prominent a memory as something more specific and physical- is that why it is easier?
-The sun was out, the weather lovely
-Thought: When was the last time I had the sun on my skin?
-I made it into the main entrance to the Ministry.
-The smells were familiar.
-There was that subtle smell of parchment, of coffee, of the lemon scent they use in their cleaning products, and of shoe polish.
-They aren’t the smells I wanted to smell.
-My body wanted to re-energise myself with the smells of Level Nine
-I instantly felt the pull of work.
-My body wanted to go down there.
-I couldn’t go down there.
-I was suddenly scared.
-I had to leave.
-I turned and walked out.
-I went to Diagon Alley instead.
-I visited Flourish & Blotts first.
-I took my time to scan the shelves.
-2 books were bought to add to my collection.
-A muggle classic
-The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson
-Lord Of The Flies by William Golding
-Woodrow told me that as far as he was aware I didn’t have either of those books.
-The idea that I have to ask others about whether I have a book or not at home fills me with both sadness and happiness.
-I’m grateful that people help.
-I’m sad that I have to rely on them.
-I had to go home after that.
-Question: When was the last time I had stepped foot in Diagon Alley?
-I was interrupted.
-While walking down the Alley I was stopped by a sight.
-A reflection of a woman.
-Her colours are what stopped me.
-Light pink, cream; light colours.
-It’s rare to see such colours.
-I was already intimidated.
-A little scared too, the white wasn’t quite mother but it was enough to remind me of her.
-The light colours speak of power and pristine.
-But also associated, now, with bold words and strong personality.
-Her voice called out to me.
-She threatened to break personal space.
-I hadn’t realised I had stared.
-How rude of me!
-I took a step backwards to get away from her.
-I was embarrassed.
-I almost bumped into someone.
-She snapped at the person who I had almost bumped into.
-Curious, when moments ago she was threatening me.
-She told me that I shouldn’t stare because ‘people will think you’re up to something nefarious’.
-Nefarious. A funny word.
-She asked the obvious questions, who are you and what do you want.
-Her next comment wasn’t normal.
-She asked me if I was planning on murdering her and dragging her to my ‘murder den’.
-It was a huge shock to me.
-For her to speak so bluntly about murder that way.
-Thought: The Department of Mysteries can be classified as a murder den.
-Amon and I died down there.
-Question: Would I be capable of murder?
-Answer: Maybe. Right now, no. I am fragile. But not outside the realm of possibility.
-Mina is her name.
-Her eyes are intense.
-A brown colour as if the sun was shining off a tree trunk.
-She looked at me and I was uncomfortable.
-Her hair black like a curtain in a dark room.
-I told her that I was stopped by her colours, I was fascinated by them.
-She thought I meant aura’s.
-A fair assumption but a wrong one.
-I explained in depth as best I could.
-She asked me what her colours said about her.
-No one had ever asked me that before.
-I was taken aback, but ultimately amazed.
-I told her her light colours spoke of power, pristine, and intimidation; while her black hair spoke of power and intimidation.
-I asked her if she were those things.
-Conclusion: She looked away from me. She had to clear her throat. But told me she was those things.
-I was right.
-Maybe I will remember those colours.
-After an awkward silence she asked me what my own colours represented.
-My answer: Green: sick, anchoring and stability. Grey: uncertain, dull, insecure (a broken colour, but they are thoughts I kept to myself). White with blue (the striped shirt): open, intelligent, sad, quiet.
-Another question no one had asked before.
-Interesting thoughts about Mina:
-Mina asked to ‘walk and talk’ (What funny slang)
-I agreed that we could
-The first thing she asked me: “Where do you live?”
-Before I could answer her...
-She almost tripped over the stone with her high heels
-I reached out to help her without thinking about it- instinct from years of trying to hold onto Amon I suppose
-She was capable of straightening herself up
-I took my hand back
-I was embarrassed that I had tried to react by helping her out
-She told me that I didn’t see anything
-I will forget soon even after writing this in
-Why am I apologising? She’s never going to read this.
-The next thing she asked me: “Do you like games?”
-A strange question to ask someone.
-I told her that I haven’t always been into games but that I also haven’t had the opportunity.
-It wasn’t as if I was a normal kid, right? So I don’t remember playing many games.
-I did have a vague idea that Amon and I played games down in the DoM
-They were probably part of some experiment
-I then asked her what she had in mind. I wanted to know.
-Her answer: A race.
-The stakes: Drinks.
-I am not a runner.
-Drinks were on me.
-I don’t know if I will ever see her again.
-I don’t know if I will remember her.
-But it’s safe to say she is an interesting woman.
-I got home just before dinner.
-Dinner was pad thai.
-After dinner events included re-reading notes from when I was ‘sick’.
-A terrible thing to do.
-I was so sad.
-I didn’t cry, but almost.
-Let’s hope I sleep okay tonight.
-Work in the afternoon.
-Am I ready to go back?
-Will I be suffocated and torn apart there?
-I will find out.
-Days since the last Nightmare: 7
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