10 March 2021
THE WALKING DEAD
LONG-FORGOTTEN SHADOWS ON THE RISE
By Gemma Rosings
Media outlets over the past few weeks have been dominated by reports coming in from all over Britain regarding the dark wizard Grindelwald, the return of whom was revealed by the Quibbler in early January, a full day ahead of other major publications. Speculation as to Grindelwald’s purpose remains rampant - while a previous edition of this column presented the hypothesis that he has manifested as a spectre in an attempt to be reunited with Albus Dumbledore, his erstwhile lover, recent breaches to the International Statute of Secrecy have demonstrated his corporeal nature and forced a change in our perspective. Therefore, we must ask: how has Gellert Grindelwald risen from the dead? What is his ultimate purpose? And who are the mysterious and ever-multiplying accomplices he seems to have gathered along his journey so far? As always, this publication’s mission is to provide its readership with nothing but the facts, the better to reveal truths that few would dare suggest.
The question of how Grindelwald has returned may be the key to this conundrum. While some sources have suggested the use of horcruxes, we here at the Quibbler believe the truth to be far more frightening – the Grindelwald so many of us have seen roaming our countryside must be a new kind of Inferius, animated by unimaginably advanced and powerful magic the likes of which the world has not yet seen. Behind such a convincing and dangerous puppet must lurk an equally dangerous puppetmaster, whose identity and purpose are as yet a matter of mere speculation. We may assume, however, that a force with the capacity to create one such Inferius will aim to create more – already, there are rumours of a pale, gaunt apparition haunting the woods around Mount Greylock, Massachusetts (site of Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry), and a few intrepid individuals have launched an investigation into the location of Voldemort’s final resting place, fearing that they may find it mysteriously vacant.
A FORECAST ON THE WIZENGAMOT
By Imrah Aubrey
First of all, I would like to take this opportunity to thank the editors and management of the Quibbler for welcoming me into their ranks and providing me with this space in which to share my reflections with you, our astute readers. This comes at an opportune time – never has there been more of a need to expound on the inadequacies of our current leadership, and I assure you all that I am dedicated to exposing the flaws and inconsistencies in its disquieting rhetoric. A prime example is the most recent missive to reach us from the hallowed, distant halls of the Wizengamot, delivered only second-hand via The Daily Prophet – which is, might I point out, a Ministry-owned publication.
Said response is a masterclass in evasion and distraction, and for this at least I must commend our dear leaders; in saying so little, they have already said too much. Through the draconian measures employed in recent weeks, they have revealed themselves to be frightened of progress and unwilling to listen to the very population they profess to serve – and now they are withdrawing, isolating themselves within the Ministry’s darkened depths to avoid having to face the realities of that same population. They are only delaying the inevitable: the ISS is not a long-term solution, and sooner or later, one way or another, it will fall. Already, we are seeing the signs – increased dissent is only natural in a society so controlled that its members are not allowed to live wherever their means might allow them, so repressed that they must spend their lives forcefully concealing the very fundamentals of their being. What has the ISS achieved, but for violence perpetrated by wizards against wizards? Who does the ISS protect? We need not look far for an answer - the recent breach in Kidderminster revealed not only the savage, violent nature of Muggles everywhere, but also their complete impotence in the face of the most rudimentary of magical prowess. The ISS subjugates us to safeguard them, and it cannot be allowed to continue. Now is the time to bring it down and reinstate the benevolent supremacy of wizardkind – for the good of all.
Free-floating Bonsai Trees
30% Off Coupon!
By Calliope Brisbane
The Japanese tradition of Bonsai cultivation blends together art, ingenuity and effort. Cuttings or seedlings of full-sized trees are carefully shaped and molded throughout the year to produce living miniatures of the original source. The practice began in the 6th Century and continues to amaze and enchant contemporary horticulturalists, botanists, and everyday consumers. Today, the Quibbler is pleased to offer a 30% Off Coupon for a truly unique product. These Free-Floating Bonsai Trees are made possible by a special blend of soil and a network of top-secret Charms. They are available exclusively at Herbs, Hearth & Home, a brand new stall set up just outside of Slug & Jiggers Apothecary in Diagon Alley. Take a clipping of this coupon directly to the stall to redeem. Limited to one item and one coupon per transaction.